National State of Envy

By:

Tom Shattuck, printed in the Boston Herald

There can no longer be any doubt — “Deflategate” is not about football.

It is about a national affliction — one of the seven deadly sins: Envy.

“Envy: the feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.”

Exactly.

And it’s made unhinged haters out of a lot of you outside New England.

Tom Brady took a helicopter to Salem State University.

“Arrogant!” detractors from across the country shouted.

Collectively, Americans have not been so fixated on a helicopter image since the fall of Saigon.

But you know who’d take a helicopter to Salem?

You.

All of us would if we could. North Shore traffic has been so bad on some days that many of us would take our chances on the Hindenburg.

All around the country, once-
rational people are so bursting with envy that just below the surface they silently yearn for irrational concessions from Tom Brady.

Concessions apart from the trophies and the rings. They want him to stop being who they can’t be.

They don’t want him to be good-looking anymore.

Nix the supermodel wife, too. The cars, the houses. The Kentucky Derby. The Uggs. His suspect hair.

Sorry, losers. The fact is that everything about Brady is awesome.

Even his adopted hometown is cooler than yours. And that bothers you.

Boston has never looked better — never been better, and that only serves to fuel the irrational, national hate for Brady even further.

New York City is badly in need of Febreze, and its clown mayor has solidified himself as national donkey.

Philadelphia is home to the worst fans in sports and has nothing to offer the many visitors who don’t have the heart to tell them that their cheesesteaks are synthetic rubbish.

Baltimore … well … Baltimore is Baltimore. Enough said.

Ditto Detroit.

Indianapolis has relegated itself to the home of The Tattletale. It has an airport and a convention center. Maybe they can have the tattletale convention there. “Trust no one.”

These are just a few of the 
hater hot spots.

If you live outside of New England, chances are you dwell in one, too.

Want to know if you have the affliction? Are you a 40-year-old man who uses the term “Beli-cheat” or “Cheat-riots?”

If the answer is yes, you have been infected.

There is a remedy, though. Stand in front of your mirror and repeat the following:

“Tom Brady is a cooler, better and happier human being than I am, and I will endeavor to be like him. If I succeed even a little 
bit I will be a much-improved person.”

Now clear your Google search history of terms like “psi,” “helicopter regulations” and “Gisele Bundchen lingerie” — and start living your life again.